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Posts Tagged ‘ridiculous’

I’ll write something soon. But basically, this is how I feel about BP, climate change, the Supreme Court (except you my lovely!), the British elections, the abandonment of Miranda, and absolutely everything else under the sun. None of it is good. The Onion and Noam coming together is the only thing which brings me joy.

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Our President gives a speech tonight, blah blah blah. I’m watching it right now, and I gotta say, sorry Mr. President, but you have a real scene-stealer behind you.

I love this guy. I can’t even pay attention to what Obama is saying. I’ve heard it all before, but nothing changes. But there’s one thing that can still make me smile: Joe Biden. Watching him grin, clap, smirk, preen, swoon… I mean, really. He should have been the winker in that VP debate in ’08. Oh look, he winks too…

I think I should go back to paying attention… as in, adoring Joe, and wanting to pat Nancy on the head. She’s so earnest. I feel like she needs a little chirpy hug. Or one of Joe’s winks.

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So I’d been having a fine Saturday afternoon, listening to Mandy Moore and writing a little bit about her, dancing around to The Marvelettes and Françoise Hardy and painting my nails. In the middle of all this, DJ Reggie popped into my head.

that ryan, he thinks about the big things

that ryan, he thinks about the big things

Yeah, DJ Reggie. As in, the pseudonym Ryan Adams used a few years back (on his own website! ha!) to release about a thousand fucking songs. Those songs! They were silly, dude. So I love them. I have a soft spot in my heart for “Egyptiania Christmica” which contains lines like: “I got a thing about Ancient Egyptian documentaries / I like the voices they relax me.” Even better: “Those motherfuckers were busy as hell too / They just wanted, they wanted to build something fun / And have something to do / Well, not really /I mean, some politics went into it / In fact, there’s a good chance a bunch of motherfuckers didn’t get paid.”

Thinking of “Egyptiania Christmica” made me think of my favorite: “Unicorns (prob. don’t exist).” Here are the lyrics to this brilliantly insightful song:

“i got to tell you the truth about unicorns
unicorns don’t exist
i got to tell you the truth
i got to tell you the truth

motherfucking unicorns don’t exist
elves and wizards don’t exist
although it ain’t proven
nobody ever took a picture of them

i suppose they could still be
but the chances are 95%
that shit don’t exist
unicorns don’t exist
i got to tell you the truth
unicorns don’t exist
sad, but true
sad but true motherfuckers

if they did i bet there would be some kind of skeleton remains
on exhibit up in the moma or the met or the national history museum
but i ain’t seen nothing
nobody reported it back to me
it’s a fucking shame
unicorns don’t exist.”

Ryan Adams, you are absurd. Of course wizards exist!! But I love you anyway.

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I’m sad to report that Estonia has, at long last, taken silver in the Wife-Carrying World Championship.

Nationality Unknown; Awesomeness Certified

Nationality Unknown; Awesomeness Certified

Taisto Miettinen and his wife, Kristiina Haapanene, from Finland, won the annual Wife-Carrying World Championship this week. Miettinen completed the 200 meter course, which includes multiple hurdles, a track, and a pool portion, in 63 seconds.

My Estonians took home the silver after an uninterrupted decade of being the world’s wife-carrying champions.

I won’t worry too much. We’ll be back again.

Let us not forget, though, that wife-carrying does come from a not-too-distant history of, you know, kidnapping and raping women. Mum was taught an adorable song at Estonian camp as a child. Here is a very rough English translation of a sample verse:

The suitors came from the Northern horizon

tra la la la la

You I will take for mine   (point at random girl)

tra la la la la.

behind this seemingly innocent picture, dark deeds may lurk.

behind this seemingly innocent picture, dark deeds may lurk.

Among other sweet Estonian customs, if, at a wedding, a guest stepped on a cow patty, they were automatically invited to the first child’s christening. It seems, during those winter months when everyone was inside drinking themselves into oblivion, that they had lots of time to come up with silly antics. Sometimes I wish I lived in the old country. Except when I see all that blood sausage.

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It’s time for us to turn our eyes to the world of sports once again!

The sport we will be focusing on today has been described as resembling polo. The difference between buzkashi and polo? Whereas polo is played with, ya know, a ball, buzkashi (oh buzkashi, you trixsie!) is played with… a headless goat. Polo also lasts about an hour, and buzkashi can last up to several days. But please don’t let the time frames distract you from what really matters.

Goat Ball

Goat Ball

What really matters is that Buzkashi could, with accuracy, be referred to as “goat ball.” Why?

Because, again, it is played with a decapitated goat.

I don’t want to get into judging other cultures for too many reasons to count. The absurdity of this sport is really the absurdity of any sport: grabbing and chucking something over an imaginary line. In some cases it’s, you know, women, because that’s funny. In most cases it’s a plastic ball. In others, a headless goat. Sports! (Again, Tim and Eric, you are geniuses).

Buzkashi is not yellow ball, diamond bags, or flight wheel. It is actually an incredibly intense game played on horses. It originated in Central Asia (flashbacks of Mongols, anyone?) where the players carry whips in order to beat off other players from the, you know, carcass.

Horses, Goats, Whips.

Horses, Goats, Whips.

Personally, I feel uneasy having displayed this level of awkwardness with Buzkashi. Having seen their skill and dedication, their comfort with whips and their maneuverability, I shall, from now on, be more comfortable with mocking less threatening sports, such as sumo wrestling. Yo boys, when was the last time you got on to the field to chase a dead goat, huh, huh?!

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Why on earth do ESPN and other sport news programs focus so much time on baseball, football, and basketball when there is such a thing as wife carrying?! Outrageous. Wife carrying has a proud and glorious history stretching back to at least the late 1800s when men would run over to a neighboring village in Finland and kidnap some ladies by throwing them on their backs and running away! How very interesting that there is a sport which developed literally from kidnapping women. And yet I am fascinated.

there are many creepy things about all of this.

there are many creepy things about all of this.

The Estonians are apparently the fucking dominators of wife carrying, having won the Finnish world championship every year since 1998. I do not know how I feel about the Estonians dominating this of all sports. I can’t say I’m feeling pride… or can I?

An example of "The Estonian Carry"

An example of "The Estonian Carry"

The winner receives his wife’s weight in beer. If you’ve ever been to a gathering of Estonians you know that won’t last long. All the boozing will be mingled with many speeches on Historical Facts You Don’t Give a Shit About, but I’m sure knowing that all those dudes were running around with their wives draped around their neck makes things a little more cheery.

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